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It wasn't by way of an introduction, although years later I did wonder how that might have gone. His name's Colin.

Rather more mundanely, she referred to him matter-of-factly in conversation. Then he mowed the lawn. Colin was indeed the helpful friend who lived down the road.

It is easier now to see that he was a more astute people-watcher than he seemed. He must have known that my job often took me abroad, and he probably had me profiled as a workaholic, as insensitive to my wife's needs as I was trusting of her fidelity.

By then we'd been married for some time and had two young children. While I was away, my wife stayed at home taking care of the kids. I thought we were happy but, in truth, I was too wrapped up in my job to know.

Life went on. And secretly, day by day, it was written down: my wife was a meticulous diarist and spent 20 minutes every evening logging the day's events.

One afternoon I walked into our bedroom and noticed she'd left her diary on the bed. This was unusual but, stranger still, it was open.

I went to put it in her bedside drawer, but as I closed the pages I caught sight of the word "Colin". My immediate impulse was to slam the diary shut and try to forget I'd seen his name before it had a chance to sink in.

Instead, I started to read. The entries stretched back months, detailing their covert liaisons - romantic, practical, but mostly sexual.

My jaw ached with panic and I felt the sudden flush of adrenaline. Of course, I confronted her. I wanted to yell at her, but my initial anger was quickly anaesthetised by shock.

I felt numb, confused. With tears in her eyes, she said she hadn't been happy for years and that Colin provided an escape. At that moment, I didn't know what to say.

It was four or five hours before we could sit down and talk. We discussed the usual options, including divorce, but decided to stay together for the sake of the children, make a fresh start.

But that's kind of the impression outsiders get, right? Even when we're ready for sex, we have to respect the other couples, and we definitely don't want to be the awkward aggressive one.

So there ends up being a lot of "feeling each other out," so to speak. OK fine, you can giggle at that one. No matter how excited we get, we have to recognize when our partner is 1 uncomfortable with the person we're hooking up with, 2 uncomfortable with the person they're supposed to be hooking up with, or 3 just plain not in the mood.

A failure to do so is the surest way to jam a spiked butt plug into your relationship. In fact, this was something we noticed about our now-divorced friends.

It didn't matter how clearly not into another couple she was, he would keep going and even berate her for not being in the mood.

Remember how I mentioned that the wife was pretty ambivalent about me? That never stopped the husband from trying to hit on my wife.

And in the end, that only made all three of us my wife and I, as well as his wife uncomfortable. The sad reality is, you'll often meet a couple where you are totally into your "counterpart," but your partner is not remotely attracted to theirs.

Like maybe he looks like Richard Spencer or something. Or hell, maybe he is Richard Spencer. When that happens, you and your partner need to execute some covert negotiations in the heat of the moment.

Because you don't want to be an asshole and say, "Sorry, dude. I like your wife, but my wife thinks you're grotesque.

At this point, you either have to agree to call it off completely, or your partner has to be willing to "take one for the team. Now, for the record, some couples do appear to be okay with one partner calling it a night while the other partner keeps going.

But most couples we've met are leery of this, because it always smacks of those not-quite-on-the-same-page, not-so-tight couples.

We're all out to have fun -- comfortable fun. And if any couple even hints of drama, well, there are plenty of other couples to hook up with.

We've talked before about how this lifestyle is predominantly driven by women , but I wanted to elaborate, because it's a huge part of what makes this work.

Whether true or not, the societal stereotype of women being demure and men being walking boners is at least acknowledged in the swinger scene. And because there is this unspoken assumption that men are more into casual sex than women, experienced couples will often let the women take the lead.

That is to say, a couple will move at a pace the woman feels comfortable with. Many of the events we attend start like any typical party, with everyone just hanging out hehehehe having drinks.

As people loosen up, the women start dancing with each other, and at some point, that escalates into touching and kissing.

Once they've sufficiently indulged their bisexual sides, only then will the men join in and everyone starts swapping. It just makes everyone so much more comfortable that way.

If "reality porn" were honest, you'd skip the first five hours of it. Sidenote: This dynamic does make it slightly more challenging to be a completely straight woman in the scene.

Plus, there's the fact that single men are simply not welcome in the scene. Every now and then, we do meet a male unicorn not an actual term, because single males are so rare that an actual term is pretty much moot , but they're always there by personal invitation from a female event host only.

Without fail, they are incredibly charming and incredibly good-looking, and even more notably, they are respectful and don't make unwanted advances.

If anything, they're available for any interested women to approach. They're not there to hit on women themselves. The bottom line is, everyone gets creeped out by the inappropriately aggressive man.

For the record, every now and then, we will run across an inappropriately aggressive woman. In these cases, though, people get less creeped out and more eye-rolly.

Put this all together, and it creates a comfortable environment for women to be sexually uninhibited and still fully in control. Remember what I said about swingers being picky about who, when, and where they'll fuck?

Well, that means something more when you consider that swinging is something we just do for fun every now and then. Just like how you and your significant other may decide to go out for a fancy dinner as a way to be romantic on a Saturday, my wife and I may decide to unleash a fuck storm as ours.

Despite what the term "lifestyle" may imply, it doesn't actually consume our lives. Yet some people seem to think we're looking to fuck anyone, anytime, anywhere.

The worst is the invariably male acquaintance who somehow finds out about our lifestyle and is just a tad too eager with his questions -- or worse, his touching.

He finds out we're swingers, and all of a sudden he thinks it's okay to touch my wife in a sexual way without any invitation from her.

At best, these acquaintances come across as desperate. At worst, they feel like the opening scene of a horror movie.

Among our more tolerant and less creepy friends, though, awkwardness can occur too. Ever since my wife and I "came out" to our vanilla friends, most of them have accepted our lifestyle openly, and some have even been curious.

Every now and then, though, we'll notice a slight physical discomfort with our presence -- like if I put my arm around a female friend, I may catch her recoiling or stiffening ever so slightly, as though she's suddenly uncomfortable with the mere thought of me touching her.

My wife has noticed the same thing with a few of our male friends. It's a subtle difference in how they now respond to physical affection from us -- physical affection that was always accepted warmly in the past.

I guess it makes sense, though. Once you find out your friends are into stuff like this, it's easy to think, "Shit, he just put his arm around me.

He's about to whip out his hog and take me on a tour of Hog City. If you have questions, you can contact the author of this article here.

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